Rules of the South

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular.

"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a New Jersey accent.

People walk slower here.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

That farm boy you see at the gas station did MORE work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.

The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards (ducks) are making their final approach, we will shoot it (the phone). You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is really, really sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a LOT of water.

So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine (it's farm equipment) that we only use two weeks a year.

Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

We don't do "hurry up" well.

Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

They are pigs. That's what they smell like (money). Get it -- pig farms -- income -- money? Get over it. Don't like the smell? Interstate 75 goes two ways. Interstate 20 goes the other two. Pick one.

Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat --go to Kansas. That would be I-20 West.

The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators...and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

No, we don't care how you do things in California or up North. If it is so great, why not stay there?

And no, down here we don't have an accent. You do.